Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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