totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
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please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
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She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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