Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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