um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
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I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
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also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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