The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
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I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
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For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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