I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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