i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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