seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
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do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
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I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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