I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize