remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize