Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
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You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
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I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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