I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize