Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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