so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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