my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I supernannyed him into submission
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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