It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
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i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's never too late to be topless.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
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Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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