god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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