i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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