i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
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so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
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I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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