I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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