yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
