two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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