I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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