My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize