Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
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I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
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This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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