Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
jump out the window naked night went bad
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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