I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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