If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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