life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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