Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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