I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be your penis for a week.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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