He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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