I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
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They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
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and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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