I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
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