i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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