don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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