I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
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i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
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You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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