At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
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Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
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You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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