Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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