Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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