Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
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He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
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i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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