I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
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You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
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I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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