I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
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As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
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Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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