i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Randomize