I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
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Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
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You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
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