the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You've changed since you got that strap on
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize