I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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