im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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