Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
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I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
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It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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