I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
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So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
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Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
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