the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
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trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
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Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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